I’ve wanted to write my memoirs ever since I heard that James Frey made a fortune writing his. However, I don’t think I have it in me to write a full book’s worth of interesting escapades that I may or may not have had over the years. Instead, I present to you here, a small segment about my drug addiction; in keeping with the style of James Frey.
I wake to the drone of the alarm clock. I don’t know where I am. All I know is I have a horrible headache. It’s a withdrawal headache. I haven’t had a fix for at least 10 hours now. You see, I’m horribly addicted to the drug “Methylxanthine;” otherwise known on the street as “caffeine.” I’ve been jailed a couple times for “possession with intent to distribute” caf. I never got into the hard-core use, that is, caf pills. I’m strictly what other addicts call “a natural user” because I only take caffeine in the form of coffee. I used to drink my coffee black, I liked the bitter taste at first. Now, though, I don’t do that crazy stuff anymore. You see, it was tearing me up inside (heartburn), so now I make caf more palatable with two spoonfuls of creamer and two spoonfuls of sugar. A million little spoonfuls over the years, all together in the giant coffee cup we call life.
P.S. – The above is “faction.” That is, fact mingled with fiction. I’ve never really been to jail.
