1. Get up early enough to spend several hours on your personal appearance. At least each of your visible items of clothing should display a designer label. Preferrably, even your underwear should be designer.
2. Use whatever cover-up is necessary to make your complexion look perfect. For girls this means lots of foundation. If possible, spread skin with latex paint, since it usually comes with a one-coat-covers-anything guarantee, and also peels off easily at night. For guys, this means spend hours getting every hair in place by way of lots of gel/mouse/hairspray/gunk.
3. While applying cover-up, look in the mirror and practice several key lines: “I gotta be me.” “This doesn’t meet my needs right now.” “Hey, give me a little space!” “I can’t help it; that’s just the way I am.” You’ll need to use these lines frequently, even if they need to be rephrased.
4. Eat breakfast. Include one-half cup mouthwash as dessert. Make sure you have enough breath mints to last the day.
5. Grab your books/backpack/briefcase and rush out the door. As you walk/drive to school/work, map out the kind of day you’ll enjoy, and avoid whoever or whatever would spoil it. Make a mental list of whom to say hello to and whom to ignore. Don’t think about other people’s needs and feelings – that causes wrinkles in the forehead.
6. If you’re ever at a loss for words to express your superiority over other human beings, simply apply the tip of your index finger to the tip of your nose and push upward gently.
Adapted from “How to be your own selfish pig“ by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.
