Being the parent of a toddler is one of the most exhilarating and utterly enjoyable things a guy can do in life. Of course, it can also lead you think things you never thought anyone other than Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson would think. Like, say, how fun it would be to watch Thomas the Tank Engine burn in a fiery inferno; his condescending smile turning into an expression of sheer horror as he realizes suddenly, excruciatingly, that his inane songs would no longer be stuck in your head, keeping you awake at night, depriving you of the precious precious sleep you so badly need. hums, “They’re two, they’re four, they’re six, they’re eight…oh no!” burn baby burn! 
But lest you begin to believe, inaccurately, that I dislike being the parent of a toddler let me just say that it’s full of times when the cuteness of my son washes over me like a cool wave. For instance, he’s recently begun cussing like a sailor. Well, he doesn’t mean to cuss, and he’s not mimicking us because we don’t cuss around him. He’s just trying his best to say everyday words but in his youthful inability he’s not able to form the sounds correctly making an otherwise harmless word like, “frog” come out as “f***” because he can’t say his “r’s” yet, the “o” sounds like a “u” and the “g” comes out as a “k.”
As a parent what am I supposed to do? He’s obviously trying very hard to pronounce it correctly. We stop him, overly emphasizing each individual sound, “No, Thomas, ffffrrrrroooooggggg. I want the ffffrrrrroooooggggg” we say, laughing out loud. Unable to hold it in any longer. See, cute, right?
Toddlers are great. Everyone should have one…or two. They should be given out by the government when you turn 30. “Congratulations and happy birthday! Here’s your complimentary toddler, now don’t screw him up.” Talk about a great equalizer, that would solve all our problems both foreign and domestic. Americans would stop all foreign policy because every ounce of their attention which is otherwise be spent on foreign affairs would now be spent on keeping peanut butter from getting ground into the carpet; and for once we would all agree about something ; namely, that Thomas the Tank Engine is pure evil and needs to die a Hellish death.
